The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
