You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
