Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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