When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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