end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize