In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
