my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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