Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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