Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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