Sry I called you an 8
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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