My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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