SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
