Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
