My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
