I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
