It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
