my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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