so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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