I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
