My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just gift wrapped bread.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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