Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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