I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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