Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Randomize
