its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
