i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
