two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
