I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
