I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I have tasted many bathrooms
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
