You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
