Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
