How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
