I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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