I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
