sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
