I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
