You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
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