We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
