Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
