A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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