Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
