3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i dont even know how to be here
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
We are all done wearing pants today
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
