I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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