I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
