i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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