I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
