i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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