Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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