I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize