Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
