I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
