kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
