Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
