So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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