never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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