There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
