After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
