Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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